what do you do? when everything seems to crumble in.....at the same fucking time?

maybe it's the entire series of events today that makes me feel this way. i can't help but feel people are fucking me over. i like doing what i do with the magazine. but it's starting to sap up alot of my time and energy, and it's not paying off like it should, both money and effort wise. why do people have so much trouble saying what they mean? I feel like i'm being manipulated, and some people are expecting more than they should for an unpaid job.

fyp is such a bitch, even more so with mr T. He better pray we don't let his secret out.

Just living my life normally and observing what goes on around leaves me completely disillusioned about people, men especially. People don't seem to listen; you tell them once, you tell them twice, they come back asking the same questions, as if they've never been told. Until i begin to wonder, is it me, or them? Am i expecting too much of people?

And men. What kind of motherfucking race is that? At this point it seems like the Y chromosome has produced an entire species of complete fuckups and motherfucking liars. Married men. Boys. All of them. I see seemingly happily married couples with so much insecurities, it makes me wonder what kind of shit has gone down between them before that causes so much distrust. And the great revelation about Mr T last night. As k put it so aptly - what a complete motherfucker. Married, with a 5 month old baby, and still going online to sex forums and dating sites. I wonder how many poor girls out there have husbands and boyfriends like that, two-faced insecure selfish jerks.

I absolutely know what I must do. And I am trying my very best. When i do get pissed off enough i pretty much am able to keep to my resolution. I see a remote light at the end of the tunnel...and like with taylor, time heals. At least i learnt that much with taylor. He asked me if i was okay the other day - i don't know how he sensed i was down, but he did - and talking to him always makes me feel better. He told me about his internship opportunities with paris and asked for advice, even invited me to visit when i could, which was nice. Sometimes i think meeting him again, just as friends, would give me a better feeling about life in general. Just a feeling.

anyway. back to the fucking article. then the gig tmr. urgh.

 

 

 

smile, because you know what's coming.
a dozen rounds later i finally arrive at the same spot i got on. strangely familiar, and i know it's time to get off. it's been hell of a ride with some very good lessons learnt.

three semesters ago it was a lesson on obsession and a walk on the wild side. two semesters ago it was a lesson on how fucked up people can be. last semester a lesson on how people's characters never change.
now, i'm learning to walk away when it's time.

it's not a fairytale world, it's just different from the one you live in.

we create reality. it only becomes fantasy when people decide they cannot live up to it. 'being realistic' has become an excuse for a lack of will to pursue an ideal, to do things the way once considered honourable by the majority.

dad spoke to me this morning about mom, and perhaps it's time to focus on the things that truly matter.

does wishing on the past ever help?

funny how after a year and a half we still share that chemistry. speaking the same words at the same time while 8000 miles apart.

So we've been here for almost 23 days, crashed a car, survived the Death Valley desert and emerged.........broke. The other folks have gone on their rampage for branded shopping, i have given up the mindless trudge and retreated to the new york library for some brain feeding instead. it's weird not keeping in touch with the news or what's going on around us now, i bet alot of people are getting knived and shot every day in this city. anyways. this girl is very very broke now (which would explain why i'm sitting here instead of looking for things to buy).

so much has happened since i last blogged - it was hard leaving shanghai, but not as hard as i thought. maintaining the long distance relationship is tough, and we'll see if it holds til he comes. d's booked tickets for 1st Oct, let's just hope we're still together by then. he had wanted to fly me back to shanghai after i get back from this trip, but i don't think that's happening. i'm so excited to pay my handphone bills.

need a really good milkshake now. see you folks back in sg.

 

the date's all set, i'll be leaving everything behind in three weeks; the dirty streets, metro city, zapatas, malone's, windows, my apartment, this place i've grown so familiar with over the last five months. there's something alluring about making somewhere temporary your home, learning to accept all the ugly bits of it knowing you'd be leaving one day soon anyway, then coming to know that you have fallen in love with it anyway. but could i live here forever? don't think so.

dr b had asked m if i wanted a job here, and i told d about it. he said perhaps we could both work and live here after i grad, save up and stay in a better side of town. i said i could never live here for long. i need some place with cleaner air and less people.

i don't know what will happen after i leave. plans have been laid out and promises have been made, but after all that's said and done i'm still left horribly confused with what to believe in. Things would have been simpler if they were truly the way they looked from the beginning, but they weren't, and now i have problems trusting what i see. he's right, we always learn alot from relationships no matter how they turn out. and i've learned quite abit about myself and what i really need. i'm not sure it's in him. i know he's trying his hardest to be the best person for me, but i'm not sure i could be convinced of it before i leave. besides i wonder how things will ever work out.

funny how so many things can happen within just five months; all the things you learn and the people you meet, finding and creating something special with a stranger from three months ago. life at this point seems like a big glass bowl with all sorts of reagents in it, molecules that randomly bump into each other to create unique substances. all of us are like random molecules. what's that scientist's name again? the theory of random movement. oh right. brown. the brownian motion.

it's so depressing, i'm glad i've got a road trip to look forward to. i just hope i have enough buffer time between sh sg and the states.

 

i can't even believe how one can vet speeches and ppts over and over and OVER for seven hours straight; there's some sick pleasure to it though; i didn't mind staying in til midnight doing just that, although sometimes i wished details didn't matter. we reprinted those things so many times, i'm officially guilty of single-handedly depleting an acre of the amazon in a single night.

the press conference took place this morning at the other end of town from where i was staying, but i didn't really mind, was sick of my side anyway. things went pretty well, had about forty people coming in from various publications, even ran into one of dad's ex-colleagues, who couldn't believe i was there. she was one of those who had seen me when i was thirteen and running about in my school uniform, must have shocked her to find me here in the pr world, grown up professional and all. or at least looking like it.

they had one of them cool audio box-rooms for translators and headphones for journalists who needed the consecutive translation; it just makes me glad to work for an international company with international standards - setups like that would never happen with chinese companies.

work's been a bitch lately, i'm in charge of this company event for 500 pax next month - confirmed attendance seems to be growing with each day, triple the number we projected - which is a big problem, considering we're using the same budget and venue. the agents we're using can't seem to meet the standards we want, and i hate pushing just so i don't get pushed around. not by agents to whom we pay so much fucking money anyway.

then there's everyone else who's taking extra days off cos of the may holidays, and of course someone else has gotta do their work. and someone else gets loaded with all sorts of shit from all over the place, gets incredibly stressed because everyone's on leave so you can't get much done anyway.

sometimes i feel stuck, wishing i had more exposure in other areas of the job, at the same time not having any more space or time on my hands to do more since i'm already handling everyone else's shit.

pms has never been much of an issue with me, and i never realised how the frustration's been affecting me til lately. been picking up fights with d and generally just being uncool. which is silly, considering i'm leaving so soon. i think he can't understand why i want to leave him earlier to go on the trip. he says don't leave, but i cannot imagine staying all the way til the end right before school starts; i wouldn't be able to just go back to life normal, and the trip would probably help me get over things. he's been telling me nice things, but i've decided i shouldn't take them too seriously. d's much smarter and more mature than i am, but nevertheless still a child in many ways. and sometimes the best way to deal with what he says is to think to myself,'we'll see about that'.

tell the future to go away, it's easier not to care. that'll be a good motto to live by for now.

just got back from the cplas trade show, humongous event with tons of big investor names from all over the world. it's a plastics exhibition for those in the business, and i probably would have been more interested if i were an engineer. but most of it was boring, except for the part where you observe how the booths try to vie for attention with different media....while others just don't care. met a singaporean in the company (finally) and it was great talking to someone from home(whom i didn't already know). met a semi-cute hk tech specialist as well, which was nice, except it got a lil freaky when he wouldn't stop talking to me and wanted to 'keep in contact'.

back in the office, just got some shit rolling into the mail. i can already see how happy friday will be.

"More women in government could also boost economic growth: studies show that women are more likely to spend money on improving health, education, infrastructure and poverty and less likely to waste it on tanks and bombs. "

- The Economist on why more women should be in the workforce

grey and black may give you black, but grey and white will always give you grey.

so if things go as planned i may leave earlier than i had expected to, but i'm beginning to think it wouldn't matter as much as i thought it would.

i have bits and pieces of a huge jigsaw that i somehow know won't be easily pieced together; what i need now is to let go of things and stop trying to find out. there's no guessing to truth anyway, and truth is really subject to time, moment and situation. the glorious beauty of wondering keeps you alive by killing.

what do you want to know?
how do you feel about everything now?

questions for questions seldom come, yet i find them so hard to answer. what exactly do i want to know? would you know the answers even if i knew the questions?

we all leave someday, one way or another.

'so how do you feel now?'

Lost, i suppose. And wondering if that even matters. Words are so easy and you're good with them, but how many are from the bottom of your heart? pieces of you that are just like me, pieces of you that are different altogether. pieces of you i can't decide if i should believe, pieces of me i don't know if i should give.

i feel like i'm stuck at the traffic lights, furiously pushing the button for the green man to come on so i can dash across into someplace i've never been before.

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
And I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that i can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
cos' it's not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
it's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know