the date's all set, i'll be leaving everything behind in three weeks; the dirty streets, metro city, zapatas, malone's, windows, my apartment, this place i've grown so familiar with over the last five months. there's something alluring about making somewhere temporary your home, learning to accept all the ugly bits of it knowing you'd be leaving one day soon anyway, then coming to know that you have fallen in love with it anyway. but could i live here forever? don't think so.

dr b had asked m if i wanted a job here, and i told d about it. he said perhaps we could both work and live here after i grad, save up and stay in a better side of town. i said i could never live here for long. i need some place with cleaner air and less people.

i don't know what will happen after i leave. plans have been laid out and promises have been made, but after all that's said and done i'm still left horribly confused with what to believe in. Things would have been simpler if they were truly the way they looked from the beginning, but they weren't, and now i have problems trusting what i see. he's right, we always learn alot from relationships no matter how they turn out. and i've learned quite abit about myself and what i really need. i'm not sure it's in him. i know he's trying his hardest to be the best person for me, but i'm not sure i could be convinced of it before i leave. besides i wonder how things will ever work out.

funny how so many things can happen within just five months; all the things you learn and the people you meet, finding and creating something special with a stranger from three months ago. life at this point seems like a big glass bowl with all sorts of reagents in it, molecules that randomly bump into each other to create unique substances. all of us are like random molecules. what's that scientist's name again? the theory of random movement. oh right. brown. the brownian motion.

it's so depressing, i'm glad i've got a road trip to look forward to. i just hope i have enough buffer time between sh sg and the states.